Wednesday, January 2, 2008

"It's the mirrors."? More like: "There's an elephant!"

I want vent about something that's been bugging me lately. With all the football I've been watching in bowl season, one series of advertisements has stuck with me...well, beyond Peyton Manning dominating my television screen ever five minutes. I mean seriously, how many commercials does that guy film? Is that all he does in the off season, film commercials? Seriously, I can't even watch bowling without seeing him. Why do people who watch bowling care about Peyton Manning? They don't!

No, believe it or not, Peyton Manning is not the most annoying television commercial personality. What bothers me more is those Texas Instruments DLP ads where the little blonde girl in the pink dress whispers, "It's the mirrors."

First off, isn't it a little ineffective to advertise HD television on regular television? There is a 0% chance of you demonstrating your product. The creators of this commercial's solution to this problem is to make your picture worse, only to restore it to normal, which only really works for people with good eyesight. For example, my Dad is blind and hates HD because "It won't be blurry anymore? It's always blurry. Everything's blurry. You look blurry right now." So, it only works for people with good eyesight and we already know the picture sucks, so we either already own a HD TV, are too poor to afford one, or don't give a shit. Yeah, good marketing plan.

Second: "It's the mirrors." Really, it's the mirrors? What's the mirrors? It's like a God damn magic trick! Streaky light? Undersized image? Blurry picture? Mirrors! It's like deus-ex-machina. There's no explanation. There's a problem and the solution is mirrors. Except actually, the solution isn't mirrors. It's a box full of light. The little girl just says it's the mirrors. She walks over, opens the box to let the light out, and whispers, "It's the mirrors." How does that make any sense? She like some type of miniature Criss Angel trying to freak with your mind.

It's not even viable symbolism, like the box of light represents mirrors or something because light bounces off of mirrors. Like a burglar breaks into your house and rushes into your bedroom and the little girl walks in. You all stop and stare at her and she points the box at the burglar, opens it, and hits him with the light. He melts away and all that remains of him are his vampire his teeth. You look at her like, "How did you know he was a vampire?" She leans in and whispers, "It's the mirrors."

Speaking of a random little blonde girl in your bedroom at night, why do the commercials always take place in the most inappropriate places with people the little girl should most likely not be with? In one she's in a fishing boat with two guys and she actually says something like, "It's always better bigger. Wanna see?" and then opens her box. Someone's probably going to try to Google porn and end up with this blog entry. That's how messed up that sounds when you think about it.

In another one she's in the middle of a long two lane road with no traffic coming from either direction and a black basketball player and his girlfriend approach her. Is that where you go if you want to find the little blonde girl in the pink dress if she doesn't decide you need her help first? Why do I feel like pedophiles are going to drive out to remote highways just to test out that theory? Isn't that like a pedophile's dream? "Just whisper 'It's the mirrors' for me, honey." So the whole time it seems like the basketball player's girlfriend is added into the commercial because the creators were aware how wildly inappropriate it was. She doesn't do anything. She just stands there while this big black guy asks some little blonde white girl how to improve his basketball game and at the end she offers some cliche phrase of encouragement. It's like the creators were sitting in their meeting going, "You do you realize how ridiculous this is, right?" "Yes, there's something missing, he needs a girlfriend." "Hmm, that's not bad, but the little girl needs someone too." "What about an elephant?"

Ok, this is where I give up trying to understand. The people who created this commercial had to have been high. Most commercials, even if they're crazy, I get. The Geiko Gecko, alright, the words sound the same. Coke suing Coke Zero, alright Coke has a new product with similar taste and they're mocking frivolous lawsuits, got it, good, I will consider buying your product. These commercials however, you have a little blonde girl in a pink dress that whispers "It's the mirrors" so creepily I think that maybe it's a trailer for another horror movie that was brought over from Japan, a magic box that shoots light, and an elephant.

Why? Why is there an elephant? No one ever talks to the elephant. No one ever talks about the elephant. It just stands there. Is it supposed to be a reference to the saying "the elephant in the room" where bad picture quality is the elephant in the room? If so, how am I supposed to get that? Is it supposed to be her bodyguard? Did they think no one would accept the little girl unchaperoned in the random locations because it's unsafe? If so how did they decide on a God damn elephant?

There is no explanation. None. At All. Not one character even looks at the thing. Instead, after the fiftieth time I've seen the commercial, I don't even care about the mirrors. I'm just staring at the elephant seeing if it reacts to anything. And it doesn't. It just stands there. Then, the little girl opens the box, light spews out, and she whispers, "It's the mirrors." I'm like, "Ok, got it. It's the mirrors. There's an elephant!"


Anonymous said...

She is a redhead, not a blonde, dumbass.

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