Sunday, July 10, 2011

LOST Redux: S2E16 The Whole Truth

(At the request of a reader, I will be reposting old editions of my LOST column as they no longer appear on the internet. I will not be making any edits to them, so please be aware that they represent a moment and time--my thoughts and analysis after watching an episode's initial airing.)

Wait, hold on a minute. Before we get started, I need to do something. Ahhhh. Ok, that felt good. Thank you for bearing with me. No, I didn’t just pass gas. I did, however, resort to a fart joke. No, what I did was took a moment and really got to know it. I leaned back in my chair, closed my eyes, took in a deep breath, and relaxed. I slipped back into the stream gently, simply, because that’s what tonight’s episode felt like. It felt like reuniting with the friend you’ve been fighting with for the past few weeks and remembering exactly what you liked about him. It’s always good to have someone to take your aggression out on, right?

Welcome back to The Midside, boys and girls. Today we’re going to examine some not so tough issues, mock the characters we love to mock, talk up our favorites (because unlike Mommy and Daddy we admit to having a favorite, sorry, it’s not you), and maybe even bestow a little (perhaps undeserved) praise on a couple characters. If I could only remember how to think in audio and not subtitles, this column might get a little easier to write…


God bless Jin and Sun, literally! Is it an immaculate conception? Is Sun a cheating whore? I’ll discuss the former question later and the latter question formally, err, currently. But first, do you love what I love?

Korean Porn!

Ok, so I’m far from a porn aficionado, so I can’t enunciate the differences between porn from different cultures, but we all know that Asians are stereotypically shy and reserved. For instance, during a commercial I turned on America’s Next Top Model and one of the two girls up to be cut was Asian. Tyra Banks was all like, “Part of being a Super Model (you have to capitalize it because they’re like Super Heroes) is being bold and confident and standing up for yourself. You are up to be cut because you let the other girls in the house run over you.” Obviously that quote isn’t exact because I don’t even know if the girls live in a house and Tyra Banks is nowhere as well spoken as me (or as beautiful), but you get the idea. Tyra said that and I was like, “its cause she’s Asian! That’s like cutting the Hispanic chick because she can’t speak English!” Is it obvious I just watched the season premiere of Mind of Mencia before writing this column?

Anyway, during the first few minutes of the episode I was trying my hardest not to laugh. Sun came out of the bathroom in that lingerie that could in no way being considered risqué, except they’re Asian! Then Jin was all like, “Turn around, now, or I’ll tear apart your garden!” and I about cracked up. Then the two started to fight and I did crack up.

What is it about these two that they have the most ridiculous drag down knockout fights? When Jack and Kate fight they act really passive aggressive towards each other. When Sawyer and Kate fight they act really bitter towards each other. We learned tonight that when Rose and Bernard fight Bernard becomes a bumbling mess. In stark contrast to everyone else, Jin and Sun go for the kill every time.

A Jin and Sun fight goes down like this: First, they squabble about the petty nonsense everyone squabbles about. Heck, I’ve been single so long I’ve started to squabble about that petty nonsense with myself. Then Jin gets annoyed as all guys do and tries to end it by trying to say something like, “Come on, this is so stupid.” but actually saying something much more stupid than what they were originally squabbling about which gets her all insecure like, “You eat too much ice cream!” Then Sun switches things up. Rather than proceeding with the nothing fight (as Dane Cook calls them) blue print, she goes for the jugular like a some sadistic serial killer who was handed the perfect victim and pushes that same big old red button that Jin wears on his pride like trendy liberals where yellow Lance Armstrong wristbands. “Hey Jin, you have no honor because you were a fisherman’s son!” And we all know you can’t tell a Chinaman he has no honor or he burns down Chinatown or, in this case, tears about your Chinagarden. Then, you actually believe for the slightest second that these two might actually breakup and not be the Cory and Topanga of LOST.

And, as always, even though it seems like I was ranting in the previous paragraph, I brought my cultural insensitivity, pop culture references, and metaphor laden sentences to a point. I don’t ever know exactly where the Jin and Sun, Jun if you will, roller coaster is going to take me or even if I’m going to meet a Final Destination Three fate thanks to it. With the other characters I can usually predict with reasonable proximity to the actual conclusion how the flashback will turn out. Tonight, I was left salivating like Pavlov’s dog waiting for more.

The whole episode the sexual tension was built up between Sun and the Golden Child. Then, more and more reasons for Sun to cheat on Jin were given to us up to the ultimate reason for an Asian, Jin would have no lineage. Confucius say man without ammo is not allowed to fight war. Then, Sun tells Jin the whole truth (Get it?), they make up, Jin tells Sun he loves her in English because just as every kiss begins with Kay, I love you means more when you say it in English (especially if your native tongue is Korean), and I was expecting one more flashback. Did she rub the Golden Child’s dome or not? I’d take her word for face value if it wasn’t a fact of LOST that everybody lies (and I didn’t need Dr. House to tell me that). Plus, her smile during that hug was vintage “Have one character only reveal her deceit to the camera when the other character has no chance of accidentally finding out.” I suspect that this cheaters plotline was left open for future flashback episodes…or for a crossover with that lame late night show “Cheaters.”


I’d like to begin this section by saying something very important to this show. I am going to type it in all caps, so I apologize for e-yelling before I do so. THERE ARE NO SECRETS ON THIS ISLAND. Ok, obviously I don’t mean secrets about what happened before they landed on the island. Nobody knows Hurley was a fat slob who lived with his mother (well, they probably do if they have half a brain), but half the island knew Sun was pregnant before Sun did!

Darth Chuckles actually made me laugh tonight by pointing out the fact that there are no secrets to Ana Lucia. “Uh, you mean that guy Locked in the Hatch?” (No, the capital L is not a typo). He actually had me laughing past that moment too. I was making a mental note that he has become more one dimensional recently because his humor disappeared, when he laid into Ana Lucia pretty hard. It cracks me up how battle lines are drawn in almost every scene of this show. His fake handoff of the gun to Ana was better than any play fake I ever saw Brett Farve make. Oh, and will they find the balloon? I just don’t know; the tension is so thick! (Too bad I watched the previews. I’m considering swearing them off.)

Speaking of (or writing of) the balloon, if Henry Gale doesn’t turn out to be an “other” (even though I previously discussed how he will always philosophically be an other), he’s going to rise up my favorite characters list very quickly. I love how he knows exactly what buttons to push with Jack and Locke and pushes them every time. It makes you wonder how the island traps so many bright people (which leads me to believe he actually is an “other”). Regardless, that last scene was awesome and the LOST logo was so well placed. While I’m using the phrase “well placed”, does anyone else think a Dharma cereal is on the horizon?

Are you there God, it’s me, Sawyer? Yes, I saw the book Sawyer was reading. Actually, I saw the author’s name first and was disappointed he wasn’t reading Super Fudge, but I suppose there is a certain humor in what he was actually reading. His dialogue with Sun was eerily similar to some dialogue I wrote for my senior project in college, except for the sex part. (“Are you almost finished with your book?” “Yeah.” “Is it ending the way you had hoped?” “Nope…just the way I thought it would.”) Oh, and how lame am I? I just got the Sunshine nickname while typing this paragraph. In the words of Carlos Mencia: dee dee dee!

Am I the only one who thinks Jack is becoming disinterested in Kate? First off, I don’t know why Kate and Sun went to Jack for information on a pregnancy test rather than Claire who has recent experience with one (Yes, I know he’s a doctor, a male doctor), but will ignore that oddity. The humor of the scene came from Kate’s attention grab. It was so typical girl. She didn’t really care about what she was asking about, or Jack really, she just wanted his attention. Jack’s reaction was classic too. Pretty much the only thing worse he could have said was, “I’m going to ignore you and walk away now.”

Finally, I’d like to turn to Ana Lucia. “Everybody hates me.” “And why do you suppose that is?” “Because I’m the son of the devil.” “That’s a good start, why else?” Is anyone keeping a running count of the most hated list? How about we keep track of who is most likely to win the million like Survivor does too? When Ana was talking to Sayid and said that everyone hates her, always has, and there’s nothing she could do about, I couldn’t help but laugh. I wasn’t sure if that was Ana Lucia talking or the actress Michelle Rodriguez talking. Truthfully, Michelle was probably cast because she is similar to Ana in real life (most of these actors seem to mirror their characters in real life somehow). And for all you Michelle Rodriguez haters out there, I have an answer to your philosophical dileema: How can you love LOST when they cast an actress you hate so much? They cast the actress because you hate her so much! That’s right; you can have a little LOST whenever you see a movie with Michelle Rodriguez in it. The next time you watch Resident Evil you can cheer for that zombie to eat her because she killed Shannon!

Oh and she killed Shannon but Sayid is going to fall in love with her? I know, I know, maybe I’m crazy (that’s probably pretty likely actually), but did anyone else feel the sexual tension between them in this episode? I read somewhere that Michelle didn’t want Ana with Jack because they were too similar (She wanted Sawyer and who could blame her). Maybe the writers gave her Sayid as a consolation prize. Sayid is a mack daddy and his scientific approach to life could help level out Ana Lucia. Though, in reality, she probably belongs with Libby because only a psychologist can straighten out a Looney Tune (either that or Warner Bros.).


“You know, Jesus? I've been thinking a lot about you lately and, well, that's why I wrote this song:
I love you, Jesus. I want you to walk with me
I'll take good care of you baby. Call you my baby, baby!
You died for my sins, and you know that I would die for you, right?
What's the matter, baby? You tremble at Jesus, baby!
Your love... is my life! You know when I’m without you, there's a black hole in my life! Oo-ohhh!
I wanna believe. It's all right, 'cause I get lonely in the night and it's up to you to
Save me! Jee...sus...bay-by!”
-Eric Cartman

Now that I’ve enraged my Jesus loving friends (obviously I have them, I’m Repunklican), it’s time to answer the question on every LOST fan’s right now! Is Sun’s child the Korean Jesus? NO! I offer instead an alternate theory; one which I’m sure some of you have thought of already.

Sun is not a cheater. Let’s eliminate the Golden Child solution (although one has to wonder if the child of the Golden Child is extra golden). What I think we saw tonight is another example, or for many of us conformation, of the island’s miraculous healing powers. Just as the island made John Locke walk again, the island put gun powder in Jin’s shots. Yes, the island Mr. Miyagied Mr. Miyagi and made him fertile again.

However, there is one major crux to this theory that would make me believe in the Golden Child. When the girls asked Jack about possible false positives, he said false positives are extremely unlikely after the first week. My fellow Repunklicans, I have a mission for you. Could someone please translate in LOST time how much time has passed between that episode that began with Jin emerging from his tent shirtless and Sun grabbing him from behind and this episode? If you were to translate between that episode and this episode, that’d be like three months considering all the hiatuses we’ve had. Anyway, if that time is over a week, Jin is the father. If not, we either have to thank the Golden Child or start to ask ourselves if the writers really would do a Jesus storyline and if we’re ready for Eko (and perhaps Darth Chuckles) to go crazy over it. Will Korean Baby Jesus (KBJ) be what ultimately draws the line between faith and science? Tune in next week as we answer the question, who is KBJ’s father? (It’s Cartman’s mother.)


Did anyone else catch Desmond’s guest spot on 24 this week? When he ended his final call with Jack, I excepted him to say, “See you in another life, brother.” (That’s why I could never be a Hollywood writer, by the way.) Does anyone know anything about the actor? I thought Desmond was Australian from his accent, but in 24 he played a German. I couldn’t remember if the accents were the same. Is this actor just really good at accents?

Does anyone know if the actress who plays Sun is pregnant for real or not?

Does anyone else wonder exactly how much food Hurley stole? It would have to be a lot for him to stay that fatty McFat Fat. Maybe he smuggled some onto the island. At least we finally know who dropped the granola bar into Jabaru’s crate in Survivor Amazon. And it severely disturbs me that I still know that tribe’s name.

Chris is going to win American Idol, Taylor is going to get second, and Kellie is going to get third and then marry me. There is no other way around it. Hey, even Simon Cowell predicted it (except for the marriage part). If you disagree with my predictions, that’s not my problem, it’s yours. And seriously, for all of our sakes, please:

Shut up, you’re wrong.

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