LOST Redux: S3E05 The Cost of Living

(At the request of a reader, I will be reposting old editions of my LOST column as they no longer appear on the internet. I will not be making any edits to them, so please be aware that they represent a moment and time--my thoughts and analysis after watching an episode's initial airing.

Note: The actor who played Mr. Eko wasn't actually arrested, he asked to be off the show. Skimming this column, it appears as though I made a major error, but I am reproducing these columns in their original form, so there it stays.)

Ladies and Gentlemen, before the controversy and scandal, I would like to apologize. For what, you might be asking yourself. It’s a good question and this revelation may come as a shock to some of you, most of you really. Recently, I was arrested.

The exact details of my encounter of the law will not be chronicled. All you need to know is it involved a thermometer, a moving violation, and one very power hungry cop. Yes, even more power hungry and trigger happy than the late Ana Lucia. Why am I recounting this event at all? My transgression has necessitated one very grave consequence for those residents of The Midside.

Due to the rules of LOST, my column has been discontinued. I was asked to pen one final edition in order to bring some sort of hasty full circle storyline to my (hopefully) in depth back story. I know, it’s a sad day for you and for me. However, it is important that you stay strong in my absence because I have a very important message for you:

You’re next.

No, I’m not Bill Goldberg. I’m Jayemel and no, I was not really arrested nor has my column actually been canceled. Did you really think anyone would be foolish enough to remove that much pleasure from the world? Doing so would probably throw off the Valenzetti Equation and induce the demise of the human race. Welcome to The Midside.

WHAT WOULD DUNCAN MCLEOD DO?

I never thought I’d make this statement, and I don’t know how it reflects LOST that I am seeing it, but these people need Jack to lead them, desperately. He’s been gone for three days and already they let the one injured guy wander off into the woods to meet his demise at the hand, literally, of the mysterious monster. I shudder to imagine what zany adventure the dynamic duo of Hurley and Charlie will get themselves into as they follow Locke, Sayid, and Desmond Christ around the island.

This section isn’t about the bumbling crew of 815ers though. This section is about the deceased. I was going to write the departed then reconsider because Martin Scorsese might have sued me. Eko, dear Mr. Eko, why did you have to get arrested? I’ll admit to being partially surprised at his death. The sting wasn’t too intense though since I read about the arrest of the actor who played Eko whose name I’m not going to try to spell.

The beginning of this episode really annoyed me. When the show recapped previous Eko flashbacks I felt as if I was being talked down to because they were reintroducing information to hook new viewers. LOST has never gone out of its way to recap old flashbacks in the way that it did this episode. The end of the episode provided me with a proper resolution to this concern though. In hindsight, I guess I should have known that Eko was dead at this point. Oh well, I guess I’m off my game. I can’t be perfect all the time.

It’s very surreal to see Eko go. All the characters that we’ve lost so far have either been unlikable, inconsequential, or destined to die. Boone was the universe’s punching bag from day one. I know a lot of people liked him, but come on. Pull your head out of your butt. He was always meant to be Locke’s first sacrifice. Arzt was a decoy. He was destined to die AND unlikable. Shannon may have been hot. I’ll give her that much. How much did her death really affect though? Sayid has always been destined to end up with Nadia. Ana Lucia was the most unlikable character in LOST lore, even more so than Arzt. Sure, Arzt was annoying, but there was something comical about him. As for Libby, well, her death was the worst to stomach. It seemed so out of place and random. It STILL seems so out of place and random. Did her demise really change the character scheme of the island? No, Hurley is the only who has ever missed her. Yes, Libby’s death was the weirdest and hardest to stomach, until now.

Those of us with a keen eye will point to Eko’s death as a result of the actor’s arrest. I’m not certainly not going to disagree that is why the writer’s chose to kill him off. In light of his death and Ana Lucia and Libby’s death, it’s safe to say that the LOST producers do not want a black eye on their public image. Anyone who still believes that Ana Lucia was always destined to die, and not fall in love with Jack, is a fool. Of course, it may also be ABC pressuring them to off people. I might lean towards the latter explanation because of how integral of a character Eko seemed to be and how minor of an offense the actor committed. I certainly hope if I ever forget my license when I go out driving one night I don’t lose my job because of it.

The why is not interesting to me at all when it involves off the field influences. I care as much about actors getting arrested as I do Terrell Owen’s attempting to kill himself. I do wonder though why the LOST actors are getting in so much trouble and not, say, the Grey’s Anatomy actors. Are the Hawaiian Islands cursed as well? What is interesting to me is the how (through a giant monster fist) and why in LOST mythology (reasons debatable). If the writers are going to let the outside world influence the LOST world rather than letting their story develop naturally then they are going to make their job much more difficult. I’m also going to be much more critical.

There are advantages to killing Eko off so early. He will never be subjected to the third season flashback slump that Jin, Sun, Locke, and Sawyer have been subjected to so far. His story felt complete and made sense. He was that guy who was always forced to make the tough moral decisions and take the heat for it even though in the end he always made the right choices. I’m going to make an analogy that is going to be unpalatable to some, but Eko was the George W. Bush of the island. He invaded Iraq even though everyone else told him it was immoral and evil.

I make the Bush comparison for one reason. Eko’s lesson on the island was the one Bush has always known. It is the one that causes the American media to hate Bush so viscerally. In this world, the only person a man has to answer to is himself. Eko lived his life bucking against his brother’s life. Every choice he made, he compared himself to his Yemi’s Christian conception of morality. He was living his life DOING what he thought was right and beating himself up over those choices. Then, the more he came to know God the more he understood that the choice was his and God would judge him in the end. And who are we to say how God will judge us? If Eko really did make the wrong choices by taking “immoral” actions for “moral” reasons, will Gob judge him negatively even though Eko is clearly human and thus necessarily fallible? What I’m trying to say is, how can we apply a natural human thought process to the supernatural God?

The disadvantage to killing is Eko is a heavy disadvantage. Not only was he one of the characters seemingly most connected to the island, but he had an apparent dichotomy to Locke. I could go into the dichotomy here. However, I’ll save it for the LOSTology section because it goes into the reasons behind Eko’s death (both plot resolution and otherwise) and thus the discussion is more appropriate for that section.

Seeing as how we’ve reached the end of Eko’s story, I’d like to say my own goodbye to the character. Eko was one of my favorite characters on the show. He ranked up the on that second level with Sayid, Rose, and Kate right below Sawyer. I always appreciated how he had such a strong sense of what he needed to do and his actions were always defendable. He never did something horrible and we never came to understand why he did it. When he emerged from the church covered in blood and everyone else stared at him horrified, did you? No, I thought not. You understand the context of the situation only he did. I also appreciated how he didn’t feel the need to go around imposing those explanations on everyone else the way a Jack does. Eko reached a unique badass level with his FDR approach to life. He spoke softly and carried a very big Jesus stick. And when he walked through the valley of the shadow of death, he feared no evil. He faced his judgment with his head held high, refused to apologize for his life, and took the monster’s pounding like a man. If you need to, do not wait 40 days to cry.

Me? I’m going to continue to randomly say, “Dude, they killed Eko.” in varying tones as I have been since the episode aired.

HEY, AT LEAST IT BUILDS CHARACTER

I really don’t feel the need to comment on most of the characters this week. Any Locke conversation can be postponed to the LOSTology section because of how intertwined I saw him and Eko. Sayid had one worthwhile scene at the beginning of the episode. Hurley and Charlie became the two annoying sidekicks a la Rosencrantz and Guildenstren. Desmond was little more than a prop, following the group around. Although, it’s probably important to note that they had him follow the group at all. Staying at camp were the minor characters, Charlie, Hurley, Claire, and the so far absent this season Rose and Bernard. The writers clearly wanted to link Desmond with the leaders of the 815ers.

You are correct, reader. Thus far I have deftly avoided mentioning the inclusion of the two new characters. Were the writers trying to link them with leaders? I’m not so sure. I think the main reason they went along on the journey was to be introduced as characters. If I’m not mistaken, this was the first time we saw that girl and the third time we saw that guy. I will now address each of them in an individual paragraph for each.

All I can ascertain about the girl is that she has some type of common sense intelligence. She pointed out what we all wanted to say about the TVs in The Pearl, that they were linked to other hatches. For some reason, she could figure that obvious implication out, but Locke and Sayid couldn’t. Sometimes smart people lack that common sense. Sayid could have been running game though letting her think she is smart. He is a pimp after all. I’m obviously joking as she and the guy have some sort of a relationship demonstrated by their marital spat. I think this girl will be sticking around for a long time as we lost three women last season. Her boyfriend or husband is a different story altogether.

The new guy is starting to remind me of Arzt. First off, he adds nothing to anything. What use was he on the trip? And did you notice how the new girl convinced him to come along? She used Arzt reasoning saying he was always complaining about not being included. Also factoring in that these two may be the new age Shannon and Boone, I think this guy is on borrowed time. Could he be the first victim of Eko’s warning? Is the island’s next death New Guy? Of course, the writers could always twist us and kill the new girl off. The subject of the “you” in Eko’s statement is open for a lot of debate as well…which leads me perfectly into my next section.

LOSTOLOGY

There are three important ideas to discuss in regards to mythology and the first two lead into the third, which I feel is the most important, so I will begin with the first two and work towards the third.

First, we finally have a direction in which The Good Guys are headed and I believe I can make sense of their plot. By now it is accepted canon that The Good Guys are left over Dharma scientists. Most people are leaning towards classifying them as bad. I am going to accept the former and contradict the latter.

Juliet represents the dissonance within The Good Guys camp. Her scene with Prince Ben this week showed their divergent points of view. Now, Jack has arrived and she thinks he’s going to save them. She thinks he is going to fix their camp (and that’s why they’re going to fall in love, but that’s a different story). By fix, I mean kill Prince Ben “by accident on purpose” when trying to remove his tumor.

Consider why we think The Good Guys are bad guys. Prince Ben is our main link to them. We are beginning to understand that he is a corrupt misguided leader. The writers have further blurred the line of our view of The Good Guys by introducing Pickett. We are supposed to believe Pickett is bad because of how he treats Sawyer. However, I refute that notion by pointing out that everyone treats Sawyer like crap and Pickett is nothing more than a loyal soldier who is now grief stricken. Why wouldn’t he see the 815ers as the enemy? They killed his wife.

What I’m getting at here is that The Good Guys actually aren’t bad. They are a bunch of good hearted people lead by the corrupt Prince Ben. My prediction is that Jack will kill Prince Ben and become the new leader of The Good Guys. Even Pickett will see that the reason his wife died wasn’t the 815ers fault, Sun was only acting in self defense, but Prince Ben’s fault for acting as if the 815ers are the enemy. Who is really the enemy then? Let’s move forward.

Second, the two groups of others theory has emerged again. In fact, it is essentially proven. Remember last season when I supposed that there were two groups of others, one represented by the clean Ethan and Goodwin and one represented by the dirty band of travelers who we only saw of through their feet? I was dead on with that differentiation. I’m patting myself on the back for it too.

Prince Ben sent Ethan and Goodwin in to determine who the “good” people were. By “good” they meant people who would be a worthwhile addition to their group. We have since learned that those people are Jack (because he is a doctor), Sawyer (because he is a con man), Kate (because she is multitalented), and possibly Locke (because he is also multitalented). “Good” is so subjective in this sense, which is why Goodwin could argue that Ana Lucia could be made “good.” Imagine the Jigsaw Trap they would have made to mold her. “Good” is also a clever trick by the writers. They had us focusing on a good and evil debate when really “good” only meant “useful.”

Pirate Pete, the man with the eye patch, represents the other group of others. I won’t call them The Bad Guys because I’m not sure they are yet. These are the dirty people. These are the people that kidnapped the children and Cindy. Many people have been asking, since we have now presumably met the others, where are the children? They are with the other others.

We’ve met The Good Guys and they don’t and can’t kidnap people the way the other others do. First off, if they did, they would have no need to send spies into the two camps. Second off, the reason they need spies is the only parts of the island they can monitor are the hatches. Notice how there was little interaction between The Good Guys and the 815ers before they entered The Swan. Once again, there was some clever writing here. The writers made use believe there was only one group of others by having Ethan kidnap Claire and then have Tailies get kidnapped at the beginning of season two. Thus we naturally associated the two groups of others. Did you notice how none of the main group of 815ers were kidnapped though?

The only child the main 815ers had since day one is Walt. The other others left them alone because it wasn’t worth their effort to kidnap him. Once again, we have some clever writing here. The Good Guys want to know why the other others want children as badly as we do. It is the reason they kidnapped Claire, Walt, and Alex. Then, by making Walt special, having Ethan abduct Claire, and seeing Alex with The Good Guys in season two, we naturally assumed they were the same others. Wrong, The Good Guys are using bad tactics to figure out the other others.

So why do the other others want children? The answer is simple, to stop anyone who inhabits the island from reproducing. There is a reason Claire was written into the show with child and Sun was impregnated. It sets up confrontation down the line. The other others are going to want those children. Why do the other others want to stop people from reproducing? They are the only rightful inhabitants of the island. They see themselves as the protectors of it. We’ve already established that the island is supernatural. They keep that power out of the hands of the rest of humanity. Dharma tried to harness that power and they stopped them. Now, Prince Ben is still trying to harness that power. The Good Guys and the other others are at war.

You can see the Jack and Locke split from season one returning. Locke will join the other others, and possibly lead them, and Jack will lead The Good Guys. Two players, one light, one dark…Jack and Locke have always been our players. I am sure of that now. I digress though. It is time to delve into my third point.

The crazy French chick was right. The monster is the island security system. It is clearly not under the control of The Good Guys. Rather, it is under the control of, or working hand and hand with, the other others. The monster may literally be the island itself, a manifestation of the island. The interesting thing is how the monster killed Eko.

We have now reached our third point. Initially, Eko was the only person the other others tried to kidnap, but he killed two of them. Then, the island tried to communicate with Eko the same way it communicated with Locke. Yes, Eko was the Tailie Locke. He was looking for a higher answer and the island tried to provide it for him. In the end though, he refused to curtail to it, first killing two of its allies, then denying it through the body of Yemi, and was killed for his insolence.

I have a bunch of answers to a couple of LOST quandaries at this point. Through Yemi’s resurrection, we now see what happened to Christian’s body. The island was communicating with Jack the way it was communicating with Eko. Jack’s Dad may not be dead and neither may be any of the other recently deceased (except Arzt because he blew up). Remember how Hurley made the Ethan resurrection joke? I wouldn’t be surprised if the other others were comprised of Boone, Shannon, Ana Lucia, Libby, the Marshall, the Pilot, Scott (or Steve), and Eko, or at the very least the people the island had a direct hand in killing, Eko and Boone. You see, the other deceased were all killed by actions put in motion by other humans.

Yes, I have contradicted myself and that is the newest question I have and I will attempt to answer it. Did the island kill Eko because it did want him or didn’t want him? It makes more sense if the island didn’t want him. This answer would align the island and the other others. If it killed Eko because it did want him, then we would now have three groups, The Good Guys, The Other Others, and the islands.

The final quandary I now have an answer too is the circular nature of the storylines of some of the deceased. My answer is: That kind of writing is just good writing. Every main character has a resolution to their storyline. The viewer doesn’t feel like the character was incomplete or stories were left unfinished. Notice how the main characters who died (Boone, Shannon, Ana Lucia, and Eko) all had full circle storylines whereas the minor characters (the Pilot, the Marshall, Scott or Steve, Joanna, Colleen, Arzt, and yes, Libby) never had a flashback. Sorry Libby fans; she was never a main character. Also note how Shannon, Ana Lucia, and Eko all died at the end of episodes where they had a flashback. I think if the writers did Boone’s death all over again, it would have been his flashback episode rather than Jack’s. You know what this observation means? When your favorite 815ers is having a flashback, hold your breath. That episode is the only time they might die.

Oh, one final note I forgot. I definitely think the island is observing and manipulating the 815ers. Locke said he saw a bright light. Eko saw that light the first time he saw the island monster. It was the island flipping through his past. The monster then uses that information to manipulate the 815ers using materials on the island such as Sawyer’s boar, Kate’s horse, Christian, and Yemi.

I hope I answered a lot of your questions. LOST is starting to make a lot of sense to me and I see how they can only take it a few more seasons. This season we are going to learn about The Good Guys and see Jack’s rise to power with them. The Other Others will also be introduced. Next season we will learn about the Other Others and Locke’s rise to power with them. Season five might be the preparation for the final battle. The movie will definitely be the final battle.

FREDDY ADIEU

-Next week is a huge week for LOST, especially Kate, Sawyer, and Jack fans. The episode is a Kate flashback called “I Do” and according to TVGuide Kate is supposed to make her choice between the two. Based on the name, I would expect the flashbacks to be about her failed marriage. Based on the storyline, I would expect her to choose Sawyer.

-My other prediction for the next episode is that it will end on a cliffhanger. Like the cliffhanger at the end of season one of Everwood where we didn’t know the fate of Dr. Brown’s patient Colin, we won’t know the fate of Jack’s patient Prince Ben until February. Either Jack will emerge from the OR and not tell us the news, he will agonize over whether he should make the Eko choice and kill Prince Ben during surgery or not as the episode ends, or the end of the episode will be him and Juliet in the OR and he says “scalpel.”

-On a final note, I found the perfect Kate song. I downloaded Kellie Pickler’s new album (I’ve come to realize I love Southern blondes) and there is a song on it called Wild Ponies. Here are the lyrics:

She was a beautiful girl

She was wild as the wind

On top of the world

Til she fell in love with him

Everyone told her that he was bad news

A boy goin nowhere ain't no good for you

Cause wild ponies are born to run

Don't you no wild ponies

Don't belong to no one

So baby, run

Run

Run away

The first time he hit her

Was right after church

He said he was sorry

But it only got worse

Now she's not the same girl

That she used to be

He's breakin her spirit

He's killing her dreams

Cause wild ponies are born to run

Don't you know wild ponies

Don't belong to know one

So baby, run

Run

Run away

She went out for groceries

Just an ordinary day

She realized she was just a block from the interstate

She set at the stop light

The wheel in her hands

And when the light changed

She knew this was her chance

Wild ponies are born to run

Don't you know wild ponies

Don't belong to no one

Baby, run

Run

Run away

Wild ponies? He hit here? Born to run? Did she write this song for LOST? It’s pretty eerie either way and it proves Kate belongs with Sawyer. The song is a vintage country song. Kate is a country girl and belongs with the country boy Sawyer. And well, if you’re not down with that, I’ve got four words for you:

Shut up, you’re wrong.

LOST Redux: S3E04 Every Man for Himself

(At the request of a reader, I will be reposting old editions of my LOST column as they no longer appear on the internet. I will not be making any edits to them, so please be aware that they represent a moment and time--my thoughts and analysis after watching an episode's initial airing.)

You wanna talk about being conned? I do. I was originally going to start this edition of the Midside with the quote from Of Mice and Men that Prince Ben cited. Earlier, I finished the rough draft of a paper I was assigned, found the quote, and pasted it at the top of this document. Then I went to class and got conned. No, I wasn’t conned at class. I was conned after class.

Well, to be fair, it’s been more of a long con. For a few weeks now, the Clemson Tigers have been literally running over opponents and running up the score. This past weekend they won their homecoming game 31-7 over a then highly ranked Georgia Tech team. Tonight, Thursday night, the rug was pulled out from under my feet. Defending their home turf, Virginia Tech used a simplistic game plan to dismantle Clemson 31-7 and expose their untalented quarterback Will Proctor for what he is, a fraud. You see, Proctor has been hiding behind a two headed running back monster acting like a big shot the way Prince Ben and The Good Guys have been hiding on that smaller island acting like big shots. I know exactly how Sawyer felt at the end of the episode. How about I tell you?

WHAT WOULD DUNCAN MCLEOD DO?

It’s time to say it. I know you don’t want to, but I will. Why will I? Because what I do is say what you’re thinking, but won’t say. Why? Because I take the risks. Because I don’t care if you don’t like me. Because…oh, alright, I’ll say it already.

The flashbacks have lost their steam. Out of the first four flashbacks this season, only Jack’s was decent. When I say Jack has the best anything out of any group, especially when the group includes Sawyer, you know I’m serious. I’ve wondered aloud several times when the flashback technique would stop working and I reluctantly admit that it now may be that time. Jin and Sun’s, Locke’s, and Sawyer’s flashbacks have all felt like they were tacked onto their respective episodes.

The first season’s flashbacks were easy. The writers had the basic idea of the twists they wanted to reveal behind the characters and the directions they wanted to take the characters in. Season two’s flashbacks were a bit more difficult. The writers had to come up with ways to further the flashbacks that had already aired, yet stay original. The challenge the writer’s face this season is much more immense. They have to create compelling flashbacks that keep us as interested as much as the story on the island. So far this season, they are failing.

The question I ask now is, are the flashbacks an integral part of the island’s mystery? I have supposed in the past that we are seeing the characters’ pasts as they are being scanned by the smoke monster. The evidence I point to is the images inside the smoke as Eko stood face to, um, smoke with it. I still believe the writers are using this technique because it is an essential aspect of the mystery of LOST. Thusly, they’re facing a tough task. It’s too early to give up on the technique as only 12.5% of the total episodes this season have had bad flashbacks, so I challenge them. I’ll even be gracious and give them the next two episodes off. When the last 18 episodes start airing February 7th, I want to see some damn good flashbacks.

This section isn’t about flashbacks in general though. This section is about the specific character’s flashback from the previous episode. That character is the best character on LOST, Sawyer.

It wasn’t very surprising to see Sawyer in jail. You had to figure that at one point, through all his cons, someone had to catch him and press charges. I know I hold him in a special reverence, but no one is perfect, even Sawyer. What I didn’t expect, however, was for the person who pressed charges to be Cassidy. Here is exactly where my critique of the flashbacks so far this season comes in. Why not let corpses stay dead? Is it really believable that Cassidy would be the one to turn Sawyer in? I don’t know if Sawyer would have slipped up that much with her that she would know his real name to be able to track him. Or did she track him through his alias of Sawyer? If so, did she find him and organize a sting operation with the police who then figured out his real name? The only other option that I can think of is that other con man that Sawyer ate with at the diner tracked down Cassidy and together they tracked down Sawyer. I would think doing so would be risky for that con man though, as Sawyer could expose him.

Anyway you look at it, this flashback devalued the flashback of The Long Con. Either Sawyer didn’t con Cassidy as well as we were led to believe or he really did love her. I refuse to believe the latter because Sawyer never having been in love is such a crux of his character, so I am forced to believe the former. The problem is that believing the former belittles Sawyer. Apparently, he can con everyone except for Cassidy. Oh, and The Good Guys who admit he is a good con man, but say they’re better. Yes, this entire episode weakened Sawyer.

To be fair, Sawyer wasn’t completely weakened. The only reason the con worked was because they used Kate against him. Prince Ben even reminded Sawyer of his weakness and then threw the Of Mice and Men quote back in his face. It doesn’t bother me that Sawyer was conned because of Kate. He is a hopeless romantic. What bothers me is the way Kate acted towards him. I’ll leave that rant for the next section though.

To return to the flashbacks, why do the writers feel the need to continually establish Sawyer as a good guy? Am I so biased that I always see him as a good guy when the rest of the audience doesn’t? He conned his way out of prison and then gave the money he earned through that con to a daughter he might not have through an anonymous bank account. I’m sure it occurred to Sawyer that Cassidy might be trying to con him back. Maybe she wasn’t conning him and actually loves him (Don’t ask me why, I can’t explain women) and was trying to trap him in a relationship. Whatever was going on, are we supposed to believe Sawyer thought Cassidy was acting in earnest and thus he has a daughter? If he does have a daughter, the whole plotline feels forced to show that Sawyer has a good heart by setting up the bank account for the daughter he’ll never meet. I have one more question. If he doesn’t have a daughter and she’s the only one who can ever access the account (I’m sure Sawyer would put that restriction on the account to keep the money out of Cassidy’s hands), does the money wallow in bank purgatory for eternity?

On a final note, did the flashbacks feel shorter than usual to anyone else? I don’t mean the length of the individual flashbacks. I mean the total length of all the flashbacks. Usually, it feels like the flashbacks are half the episode. The last three weeks, I’ve felt like the flashbacks are getting shorter. Maybe I’m confused because the point of Sawyer’s flashback didn’t really align with any cathartic moment in the episode the way the majority of the flashbacks do.

HEY, AT LEAST IT BUILDS CHARACTER

Now is the proper time to rant on Kate and how annoying her little “I love you”/“I only said that so he would stop hitting you” tap dance is. Kate, you run. If you didn’t love Sawyer, you would have left him behind to die in the cage. Instead, you climbed back into your cage and quoted Jack to Sawyer’s face. Talk about a double whammy. First, you deny your love for the guy to his face. Then, you quote the one guy who opposes him politically on the island as rationalization for that recanting. I can understand not wanting to show weakness and protecting yourself, but grabbing someone’s heart and squeezing it? That’s just cruel.

Before anyone gets on their high horse and starts defending Kate, I know what you’re going to say. Yes, in The Long Con, Sawyer did show a complete disregard for Kate’s feelings as he conned all the 815ers. However, I would contend that there is a large difference between disregarding someone’s feelings and openly attacking them. The best defense you could take is to say that Sawyer has never admitted to Kate’s face that he loves her, so she doesn’t believe he loves her. Thus she is protecting herself.

And to cut off the other horse at the pass, Kate does not love Jack. She repeated “live together, die alone” because she admires that aspect of Jack because it is the opposite of her weakness. She runs. Jack sticks his hands into situations, literally, and doesn’t let go. This time, she has found something she wants and is sticking around. In a way, Sawyer should be both hurt and flattered by Kate’s actions. To quote Monty from Waiting, “Women, they’re so fucking wily.”

The other loving couple of the show I need to talk about is Jack and Juliet. I will, however, leave that for the last section of the column, as that dynamic entails a discussion of the Good Guys and their intentions, goals, and origins.

How about that new guy, Barry Darsow? Alright, I don’t really know his name, but he was playing golf and Barry Darsow was a wrestler on WCW Saturday Night who had a golfer gimmick back in the day. The reason I note this guy being a golfer is that he had no other defining characteristics. He seemed to want to be witty, but that’s Sawyer’s turf. Oh, he’s also Hispanic. Maybe he’s a replacement for Ana Lucia AND Shannon. Only problem is, they had vaginas.

Oh yeah, how about Desmond Christ? This episode he predicted that a lightening bolt would hit Claire’s tent and prevented it with a makeshift lightening rod he built with a golf club. Due to his action, he enlisted a new apostle. Does this mean we’re going to end up with The Book of Hugo and The Book of Charles? Eko is going to be so mad.

LOSTOLOGY

The Good Guys are really starting to piss me off. I mean really really. First off, if they’re good guys, why do they need to lie so much? I understand that we’re in this new era of secularism in American society and LOST is playing off of that conception to shroud the show in mystery. I understand that we’re not supposed to know who is good or who is bad. That ambiguity is what keeps many people from hating John Locke. However, my gripe is that if you have the truth, you should never have to lie. So if they have the truth, why are they lying so much? Why does Prince Ben take pride in the fact that they are better con men than Sawyer?

Are our heroes so stupid that they wouldn’t know the truth if they were told it? Is that stupidity why the Good Guys go to such great lengths to keep the 815ers in the dark on the main island? Also, if the Good Guys are alone on that island all the time, why do they need to be such good con men AND how do they keep their skills so polished? Any skill lessens over time if not practiced. I don’t have first hand practice with conning, but it can’t be that different.

Oh, and if they were that worried about Sayid, Sun, and Jin finding them using the sailboat, why didn’t Desmond find them on the sailboat when he was floating on the ocean for the entirety of season two? If not Desmond, why didn’t the Tailies find them when they crashed into the water on the other side of the island? Did nobody bother to look behind them and say, “Hey, look a smaller island!” Or is that why and how so many of the Tailies were captured so quickly, the Good Guys had easy access to them?

Which reminds me, if all these people and children are kidnapped, where are they? If the Good Guys are so good, why do they need to keep people in cages and play psychological games to break them? If they have a fertility doctor, why do they need children? If they knew the doctor they had was a fertility doctor, why did they let her operate and not ask Jack to begin with? Or did they know Colleen was already dead and brought Jack in to make him feel bad about the girl dying and thus con him? If Juliet is only conning Jack, what is the point of all the romantic tension and sympathy glances between them? Most importantly, what’s the point of her lame name if she isn’t going to fall in love with Jack?

Speaking of doctors, if that mysterious person has a tumor on his spine, why doesn’t he go to the island and get healed like everyone else does? Or does the island only heal certain people?

Oh, and here’s the best one: If they’re the Good Guys, where are the Bad Guys? For it to be relevant to note that they are the Good Guys, there must be some perceived evil force they are fighting. Are they fighting the evil Hanso Foundation? If so, am I so wrong for wanting the Hanso Foundation to kick their asses? They stand on this little island and stare at and scare at people on a bigger island for what purpose, personal enjoyment? Maybe the island is the perceived evil and that’s why the guy with the tumor on his spine won’t go there. He knows if he does the island won’t heal him. My theory of the island being a supernatural force would it would make the most sense if the Good Guys were fighting the island.

In closing, I make the following statement. If the writers twist the story so we’re supposed to have sympathy for the Good Guys, they may make a grave mistake. I don’t know if it’s possible to have sympathy for Prince Ben and Company after all their antics. Juliet may be reconcilable, but we all know what happens at the end of her story. I’ve always thought Jack would die eventually anyway.

FREDDY ADIEU

-Whew, a lot of ranting tonight. It’s been a long week and sometimes you need to get it all out. Thank for coming along on the ride. Sometimes there’s more than a few bumps in the Midside.

-For your enjoyment, here’s the quote Prince Ben spoke to Sawyer:

“A guy needs somebody - to be near him. A guy goes nuts if he ain't got nobody. Don't make no difference who the guy is, long's he's with you. I tell ya, I tell ya a guy gets too lonely an' he gets sick,” Of Mice and Men

It describes Sawyer pretty well, but I prefer to quote the Smashing Pumpkins:

“Despite all my rage am I still just a rat in a cage…And I still believe that I cannot be saved.”

And if you disagree with my choice, well, then I quote another great writer:

“Shut up, you’re wrong.”

LOST Redux: S3E03 Further Instructions

(At the request of a reader, I will be reposting old editions of my LOST column as they no longer appear on the internet. I will not be making any edits to them, so please be aware that they represent a moment and time--my thoughts and analysis after watching an episode's initial airing.)

Even John Locke dreams about Boone. I mean, he’s so damn pretty, can you blame him? He was looking extra pretty in that dream or hallucination or acid trip or whatever it was. You would think starring in a scary movie, (Pulse with the girl from Veronica Mars), would have had some adverse on his looks. Then again, hot girls have been getting killed off in scary movies for years and their good looks are preserved. For example, Paris Hilton got a pole stuck in her head in House of Wax…and I’m going to leave that sentence alone and let you all make the jokes.

Even John Locke does weed. Maybe the Ad Council can use that as a tactic. Don’t do weed or you’ll end up as loopy as John Locke. That tactic would stop me from smoking weed. Of course, I’ve never smoked weed in my life, so I’m not exactly the target audience. Are there any potheads, any stoners, in the audience? What’s your opinion? Or do you not care? Somehow, don’t ask me to tell you why, I’m leaning towards the latter. If you guys are anything like me though, you have to wonder if Locke smoked some Island Weed to go on his vision quest.

Speaking of vision quests, I’ll be your Louden Swain. I’m gonna drop to 168 and wrestle Shute (and maybe meet a non-80s Linda Fiorentino-esque girl along the way). Come along and follow my journey.

WHAT WOULD DUNCAN MCLEOD DO?

The flashbacks for this episode were the worst of the season and by far the worst of all of Locke’s. My initial reaction was to wonder when Locke became a redneck. Seriously, he was praying to God, driving a pickup truck, wearing a trucker hat, trafficking lots of shotguns and, well, that brings me to my second thought, but first, isn’t it bad form to say “hell” in a prayer? Did anyone else pick up on that when he was saying Grace? There is no way that is accepted form.

My second reaction was to wonder if there is anything John Locke hasn’t done. When he built the sweat lodge on the island, I didn’t know if he was mimicking stereotypical Native American tradition he saw in television in movies. The last time I saw a sweat lodge on film was my DVDs of the prematurely canceled by FOX Wonderfalls. I understood where he learnt the technique from in his second flashback film, but it also came across as a bit hokey. I felt as if the sweat lodge in the background was written in to explain where the knowledge came from. To a certain extent, I want to rebel against the idea that John Locke is a man who has had led a beyond full life. Part of me wants him to be that normal guy that knows things that he shouldn’t because he took the time to learn about them when everyone looked down on him. Instead, with each new flashback of his, we find out that the sad truth is he’s out of his mind.

I understand the point of the flashback. Locke had to learn to clean up his own mess by realizing his role of a hunter. He was a hunter from day one on the island and tried to turn himself into a farmer by not pushing the button. However, without getting too deep into the mythology of LOST (because that’s reserved for a latter part of the column) or the debate over Determinism and Free Will (because that’s tedious and largely academic), if it is Locke’s destiny to put his faith in the island, then by losing his faith he remained true to his God. The Hatch was man made. By not pushing the button, the result of his loss of faith, it was destroyed and the magnetism of the island was freed from its prison. In his perception, his faith slipped. In actuality, he never lost his faith. If it is his destiny to be loyal to the island, he did what he had to.

I understand how the flashback played into everything that I wrote in the previous paragraph. My problem is that the flashback felt tacked on. In other words, someone wrote the island plot and then asked, “Hey guys, what can we have Locke do in a flashback to compliment the point of him rescuing Eko?” “Have him grow weed and try to shoot a cop. The viewers will eat that kind of material up because they’ll never see it coming.” I’ll admit it that the kid being a cop was a nice twist. I didn’t understand why the cop at the beginning pulled over Locke and made him get out of the car for a broken taillight. I thought he was trying to catch him ridin’ dirty or white and nerdy, whichever. Then when the kid claimed Locke was his Uncle, I thought it was absurd the cop didn’t ask for his ID. The twist explained all those moments. However, with about 15 minutes left in the episode, or at least that was my perception of the time passage, the flashbacks ended. Maybe I wanted a little more from the story. Did that guy and his wife get arrested? Did the cop let Locke go out of charity? Maybe the writers are saving that story for Locke’s next flashback.

Oh yeah, consider this little tidbit. John Locke has worked at Wal-Mart and on a marijuana farm. The man has run the gamete of professions.

HEY, AT LEAST IT BUILDS CHARACTER

My number one comment on this episode is as follows: When I like Charlie better than Locke, you know something weird is going on. Locke is manipulative as heck. I understand that side of him. However, typically Charlie is annoying as heck and that’s a much worse sin in my eyes. If you’re manipulative you’re much easier to get rid of. Annoying people never get the hint.

The weird thing is there was only a couple times last night that Charlie didn’t get the hint. Locke tried to tell the guy to buzz off, but he didn’t. I didn’t feel sympathy for the guy because after their giant game of charades, Locke invited the annoyance by demanding that Charlie stand guard. Then the real fun began though. Thank God someone took advantage of a mute Locke, even if it was Charlie. The Has-been laid into Locke pretty hard and some of it was pretty funny. The best line of the night had to be Charlie saying Locke should punch himself in the face twice for violating his own zero tolerance policy.

For those keeping track, yes, I’ve made positive comments about both Jack and Charlie this season. Either LOST is that good this season or all this Southern hospitality is wearing off on me and I’m going soft.

Last night had to be the easiest acting job for the guy who plays Eko and has every letter of the alphabet in his name, huh? Be carried around for a few scenes, nearly get mauled by a special effects polar bear, facilitate one of Locke’s visions/delusions, and call it a day. If only my job was so easy. I don’t even get paid to write this column.

Is Desmond Jesus, John the Baptist, or a plotline written to compete with NBC’s Heroes? I’m not up on my Christian mythology, but didn’t John the Baptist foretell the coming of Jesus? Didn’t Desmond foretell Locke as the savior of the 815ers last night? Of course, Locke isn’t really the savior he thinks he is. Does he really think he could have stopped The Good Guys when Sawyer, Kate, and Sayid (and Jack) couldn’t? Regardless, my theory on Desmond is that being so close to the release of that much electromagnetism screwed up his brain and gave him the ability to see the future. Anybody out there want to try it out and see if it works in real life? Post your results as a comment. If it does work, don’t you dare reveal the ending to LOST or I will cut your head off with this little doggy.

LOSTOLOGY

Where to begin? Where do I begin? Once again, a Locke episode is mythology heavy. It’d be easy to criticize the writing as formulaic. At the beginning of every season, we’re guaranteed a Jack episode and a Locke episode. In the middle of them in season one, there was a Kate episode. Right after them in season two, we had a Michael episode. In the middle of them this season, we had a Jin and Sun episode. The strategy is simple. There are a few story archetypes (action, drama, romance, mystery, comedy) and the writers sprinkle them in a certain order with the drama and the mystery as their staples. Why are the drama and mystery their staples? Drama and mystery are the staples of LOST, duh.

I’ll touch on the mythology of this episode in random order:

I already mentioned that Desmond is now a prophet. I hope he wears the shirt for the rest of the series too. He looks like some sort of stoner Jesus. The religious allegory continues. Is Desmond Jesus though or simply a prophet? What about our Faithful Three of Eko the Priest, Locke the Destined, and Charlie the Estranged? Charlie’s journey on the island is obviously to return to the faith his rock star life took from him. After last night’s episode, he is well on his way. How can these three stay together though? Charlie hates Locke. Eko surely hates Locke after last season’s mishap. Does the island, which I still maintain is a mystical force, have a plan for these three?

Was the Locke and Boone scene a vision or hallucination of a guilty conscience? Put me down under the vision believers. The force of the island continues to manipulate Locke. Plus, that vision was full of way too much symbolism to ignore. The most interesting symbolism had to be Jack, Kate, and Sawyer going through the security checkpoint. If you believed the guilty conscience theory, you might say Locke is manifesting his fears that they are being put through the ringer by Prince Ben. However, subscribing to the vision theory I am going to suppose the following:

An airport security checkpoint is a test. To pass said test, you must meet all the requirements that earn you the title of safe traveler. To apply this test to Jack, Kate, and Sawyer, Prince Ben is testing the three of them to allow them access to the airport. We already know those three are being tested. What is the “airport” they are going to be allowed access to if they pass, the Good Guys? Of course, it’s important to note that Jack was being tested by Prince Ben who was wanding him and saying, “Sir, I’m going to have to take that.” in reference to his Sierra Mist. The testing of Sawyer and Kate is only inferred by their standing in the same line as Jack while waiting for the metal detector. On the same note, Prince Ben has been monitoring Jack from the closest proximity. He involved himself in Jack’s situation by showing him the tape of the Red Sox winning the World Series (I’m going to mention that as much as I can in this column). He only came into contact with Kate before her test began (if you consider her test beginning when she was placed in the cage) and has never come into contact with Sawyer during his test.

Oh yeah, Sawyer and Kate looked awfully cozy in that line (and as already noted were removed from Jack). Jack and Kate fans, you should now abandon all hope; unless you want Sawyer to die. The only way Sawyer and Kate aren’t going to end up together is if the former dies heroically to save the latter. And that would make many of us very very angry.

I’m not really talking about LOSTology anymore, am I? I guess I can’t think of anything important enough to mention anymore. The only other thing is where Hurley can mysteriously get a pie tin from and develop the reflexes to hold it up fast enough to stop a knife Locke threw out him, but I guess there are some things we’ll never know. Of course, I shouldn’t really be surprised the fat guy would be carrying around a pie tin (empty or whole), should I?

FREDDY ADIEU

-Next week I’m predicting a Kate episode with an outside chance of Sawyer. If it’s Kate, we’ll probably find out the truth about her short marriage. In the flashback, she’ll let go of her husband because she’s not willing to put herself on the line to same him or the marriage from something. Then, she’ll admit she loves Sawyer to save him. If it’s a Sawyer flashback, as he’s tortured he’ll somehow come to the realization he doesn’t want to be punished anymore and he does want to live in stark contrast to asking to be tortured more in Confidence Man in season one. See how much the previews make me think? I hate previews. They allowed me to know Desmond was psychic before the end because I saw Locke’s speech about going to save Jack, Kate, and Sawyer in last week’s preview. I may have been able to predict that outcome anyway, but that’s not the point. The previews are still a type of spoiler.

-If you haven’t been catching South Park this season, start tuning in. The first half of season 10 was good, but this half is amazing. So far they’ve mocked World of Warcraft, 9/11 Conspiracy Theories, and female teachers “molesting” male students. Nice.

I’m out. Remember, if you come up with any ideas over the next week that disagree with what you’ve read here:

Shut up, you’re wrong.